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Monday, February 8, 2010

The shadow

For the past few years I have been walking with a dark shadow that will not go away. Everywhere I turn, I see the shadow as it lingers all around me. I have prayed about it, sought counseling, dreamt about it, found myself driving for hours thinking and replaying conversations and memories in my head. I have turned it over to the Lord however its still following me. What is the deal? I thought I moved on with my life. I can not call "K" to make it right, I can not apologize as nothing will change. There are so many times throughout the course of the week that I want to talk with "K" and share stories and laughs. I can not call and get hurt again, I can not call with false hopes and desires things would be the same. I am tainted. The other part about the above is the luggage I carry with relationships in general. I am very guarded with all. I fully understand, in order to make a relationship work it takes two. I also understand that I had something to do with the relationship going south but to end it...
I am not posting this for my blog friends to reply with they are "sorry" its more to put my feelings on paper and show that I have pain in my life as well.

2 comments:

Becca said...

I love you. I wish there was something I could do, but I know there isn't. Wait - yes there is! I can love you and continue to stick by you through thick and think. You're my soul sister - the Lord brought us together for a reason - to help us get through the hard times. And I am always yours. I love you so much. Stay strong and keep pushing ahead.

Love,
Becca

Leah Maya Benjamin said...

all you can do is live and try and figure it out along the way. Life isn't easy in many different ways. Sorry awful at writing never can write down something to say to where it really sounds good but know that there are people out there thinking of you.